You Don’t Need More Self-confidence
You need to see yourself clearly
For the longest time ever, I’ve always thought I had a self-confidence issue. I felt I needed to work on my confidence and my self-esteem. Yes, all that has helped, but the deeper layer to this is not a confidence issue, but rather it’s the fear of letting go of the stories that’s been serving me in some ways.
By staying small, I get to feel safe and accepted. By staying small, I won’t risk being judged for what I express. By staying small, I get to be liked by everyone. In my personal journey and work of coaching clients, I see again and again, that the issue is never the first thing that’s been brought to the table.
It’s going closer and closer to the places where we often resist, and asking curiously, ‘What’s underneath here?’
Asking ourselves the uncomfortable question ‘What am I getting out of this?’ And then, turning it around to see clearly ‘Even if I believe this and it feels 100% true, is it serving me?’
And once you see the stories you tell yourselves, you cannot unsee them. It’s pulling apart the conflations we’ve taken on, asking ourselves what’s true here versus replaying the narratives we’ve been telling ourselves. I discovered that I had a good few beliefs or excuses of why I shouldn’t step into my full confidence and strengths.
If I step into my confidence… I will be attacked. Judged. Ridiculed. Confidence means a push-over and dominance.
Now go ahead. Complete the sentence. If I step into my confidence, if I step into what I want… what comes up for you?
Stories are the way we make sense of our reality and our worlds. It creates the template of our life and how we live. Our brains filter information and group it into stories as an efficient process to manage the ongoing intake of inputs around us. Without checking our stories and seeing them clearly, we can never create new actions and behaviors.
We will keep defaulting to the version that keeps us safe. The ego self wants certainty even at the expense of our growth and expansion. Rather than confidence, choose to build courage.
‘I want to be more confident! I’m trying, I need to do more!’ This is what the dialogue often looks like underneath. Resistance begets resistance and when you’re not feeling confident all your actions will prove to you that you’re not confident and it’s this belief wheel that we all tend to get stuck in.
The idea of gaining self-confidence feels like something you have to do. But the idea of courage is something you choose. It’s saying — today I choose courage. Even if I’m trembling and don’t feel confident enough yet, could I maybe be brave enough to share my thoughts? To write my book? To choose to show up?
