What is Unexpressed and Needs to be Acknowledged?
Photo by Johannes Krupinski - Unsplash My body felt strong and expansive as I took in the fact that I finally published my mental health journey and over a decade of struggle with chronic pain. The painful story that I shunned, all the exiled parts of myself felt like they finally had a voice, and part of my own power was returned.
When we suppress or deny our voice and needs, sooner or later, they bubble up as larger problems and we’ll feel emotionally, mentally, and physically drained and dissatisfied. It’s a great practice to routinely check-in with ourselves if there’s anything that needs to be validated, acknowledged or expressed. As humans, we tend to ignore and sweep things under the carpet.
I often offer this coaching question to clients who struggle with people-pleasing tendencies to tease out what they have been avoiding addressing.
What is unexpressed and needs to be acknowledged?
From a body-based perspective, we continue to stay in an appeasing state as that’s what we learned through early life experiences that it kept us protected and safe.
For a lot of us, we never had it modelled to us — what a healthy expression of our own needs looks like. We think it’s selfish or too much to ask of the other person, when most of the time, they gladly and willingly do so.
We also need to move away from thinking conflict is bad. For most of my life, I had a conflict-avoidant pattern, where I would not speak up about anything as I was afraid of upsetting a person or disrupting a situation.
Then over time, they manifest as blocks in my body, my emotions, and my career path. I became resentful of all the words I never said, all the times I never stood up for myself, valued my work, and frustration built. But the more I tried to make myself speak up, the more I got angry at myself as it was so difficult at times to do so.
Things shifted when I understood it from a biological and body perspective — my body didn’t feel safe to speak up, and I could not outrun this bodily response through the mind. In nervous system work, there’s a common term called ‘fawn response’ which is when fight or flight is not an option in a stressful or threatening situation, we appease and please instead.
If you find yourself constantly people-pleasing and stifling your own needs, and have tried to work through your mindset and set boundaries etc. it might be time to look at it from a body lens. Find ways to gradually build up safety in expressing yourself.
Looking back, I’m so grateful for following my draw towards writing as I realise now that it was a practice and my way of finding the safety of self-expression. The current of my emotions and experiences have somewhere to be directed to instead of being swept away and trapped in my body. And I’m constantly clearing out things that want to be expressed in my psyche.
You can follow these steps to begin the steps of healthy expression:
Identify and allow space for your emotions — if you feel anger, wronged, or even ashamed at how you feel, know that you are allowed to feel all feelings.
Is there something you need to speak up about? Could you gain accountability with a friend or trusted partner?
(Prepare a script/words you could use to speak up and practice e.g. have someone pretend they are your boss etc. )
3. Develop a regular practice of self-expression, I recommend whatever medium you are drawn to art, painting, writing etc.
Lastly, know that it’s a journey and requires mind-body work to come out of people-pleasing patterns. But as long as you begin to inquire, check in with your needs, and get curious about what you’re holding back, you will find ways to speak up and express your truth at your own time and pace.
If you need more support, join our next month’s workshop on How to Say No Confidently and learn more about a body-based approach to overcome people-pleasing patterns.
